The World of Computer Software/The World of Computer Software.iso/ribtrek.zip/LICE

Text File | 1992-11-28 | 13KB | 287 lines

                        RIB Productions
                        Proudly bring to you
                        "The Quality Of Lice"
                        An ST:TNG Parody of "The Quality Of Life"
                        By Robert I. Brayer
-=-
SCENE I
(We can see a game of poker going on here, the players are Riker,
Geordi, Worf and Dr. Crusher)
Crusher: So, Geordi, you're really going to let that beard grow, eh?
Geordi: Yeah. I really think that a beard is a sign of character.
Crusher: I don't know. I can never seem to trust a man with a
beard...
Riker: Humph!
Worf: <Grunt>... a beard is a sign of strength!
Riker: Yeah!
(Suddenly we see Geordi start to scratch his beard slowly, a look
of thought comes over his face)
Crusher: Geordi, is there anything wrong?
Geordi: No.. my beard is just itching a little.. strange..
Riker: That's strange..my beard never itches..
Worf: <Grunt>!
(Geordi scratches his beard again, this time much harder.)
Crusher: Are you going to be ok?
Geordi: I think..I'll be just...
(Before Geordi can spit out the word "Fine" he clutches his face
and flops to the ground scratching wildly like a maniac)
Crusher: Crusher to Sickbay! Medical Emergency! Beam me and Laforge
to Sickbay immediatly!
(The two dematerialize from the poker room)
-=-
SCENE II
(Sickbay. Geordi is strapped to one of those biomedbeds. His hands
are held far clear of his face)
Geordi: Doctor! What's going on? What's wrong with me?
Crusher: We're not sure yet.. but we've narrowed it down to two
things.
Geordi: What two things!?
Crusher: Well, either you're really a Tamarain Wolf Beast, which,
when they grow a beard it gets extremely itchy or-
Geordi: A Tamarain Wolf Beast!?!? But those aren't native to this
GALAXY!
Crusher: Maybe you're a hybrid. Maybe one snuck in and mated with a
human.
Geordi: Snuck in!? SNUCK in!? The Tamarain Wolf Beasts are three
hundred feet in diameter, and have a mass half the size of this
ship! They don't just "sneak in"!
Crusher: Er..maybe they had a cloaking device.
Geordi: A cloaking device!? WHERE WOULD A 300 FOOT TAMARAIN WOLF
BEAST GET A CLOAKING DEVICE!?
Crusher: The Romulans!
Geordi: But the Romulans are on the other side of the galaxy from
the borders! And so are the Klingons!
Crusher: Well maybe they developed a way to cloak themselves just
so they could sneak in and mate with human females.
Geordi: And that's ANOTHER THING- How could they *POSSIBLY* mate
with a human female!? They're not even anatomically correct!
Crusher: Maybe he got a Romulan Genital Device.
Geordi: A Romulan WHAT?!
Crusher: Well they have every other snazzy gadget! You'd figure
they'd have one!
Geordi: Agh. There's got to be another reason for this! Otherwise
this plot will just *NOT* work!
Crusher: Ah! Narrowed it down to TWO things..either
that..or..you've got lice.
Geordi: Lice!? What's that!?
Crusher: It's basically like fleas that jump onto hair. To put it
in REALLY layman's terms.
Geordi: Oh..that must be easy to cure then.
Crusher: Yes. But first Data must talk to you.
Geordi: Er..why!?
Crusher: It's in his contract. Line 57 "Data must appear in any
dramatic scene involving Geordi"
Geordi: But he hasn't done that! And eliminating lice isn't dramatic!
Crusher: Sheesh! Don't talk to *ME* about it! Talk to his agent. He
must be pretty bad...
(Data walks in with flowers and a card!)
Geordi: Data! How thoughtful!
Crusher: I'll just leave you two alone to talk...
(Bev leaves)
Data: Geordi! I have something I must tell you..
Geordi: Sure! Go ahead Data!
Data: You know that...well...you were out cold for a while...
Geordi: Er..yeah..about ten minutes...
Data: No...it only *SEEMED* like ten minutes...it was.. a month.
Geordi: A month!? WHOA! That was long.
Data: Yup. Got right through the rerun season. That is why the next
epis- er adventure we have after this one..will seem to flow right
in with your memory. Anyway-
Geordi: That's pretty amazing!
Data: Yes. Shut up. Anyway- I have had time to study your
lice...and I believe I have discovered something about them.
Geordi: Uh..what?
Data: I believe..the lice...are alive.
Geordi: ALIVE!?!?!??!!??!
Data: Yes. I would therefore find it evil to kill them. You must
let them live.
Geordi: Data!? HAVE YOU GONE MAD?!? Do you think I'm going to live
my whole life scratching my beard?!?!?!
Data: But Geordi..if they are truly..alive.. we cannot destroy them.
Geordi: I can't believe this! They're not alive!
Data: They are alive, insects, but alive none the less.
Intelligence is another thing. We have an idea of a way to test
them to see if they are truly sentient.
Geordi: What's that?
Data: We put them in danger..say..set fire to your beard and then-
Geordi: Set FIRE to my beard!?
Data: Yes. If they retreat, then they will have an idea of
self-preservation, and we will know..if they do not then we know
they are unintelligent. The fire will of course be simulation.
Geordi: Phew. Er..I mean..of course..
Data: The test will commence in the conference room in three hours. Be
there or..as humans put it, "Be hair".
Geordi: Uh Data..that's "Be there or be square"
Data: I do not understand. My shape is quite cylinderical in nature.
Geordi: Nevermind.
-=-
SCENE III
(In the conference room, Data is discussing the experiment with
Picard)
Picard: So we have to simulate a fire on Geordi's beard to test if
the lice are intelligent!?
Data: Well sir, as they are in this parody, they cannot obviously
be very intelligent, but a test to see if they can get by, yes.
Picard: Very well. Any objections.
Geordi: ME! What if they're alive!? What then!?
Data: Well..I suppose we let them live.
Geordi: But my beard! Do I shave it or something?!
Picard: I believe we shall cross that bridge as we come to it. Now,
to the experiment. Doctor Heinlichshlepin, please begin your
presentation.
(A large German looking doctor comes out with a slide projector and
puts it down and turns it on he takes the clicker in his hand and
steps to the front of the room)
Heinlichslepin: Ah. Lice. Beautiful creatures. Our job is to
determine if we can kill them or not. Here is a close-up of one of
these beauties!
(We see a close-up that can only be described well as extraordinarily
disgusting)
Riker: YUCK!
Troi: <cough> <cough>
Crusher: <Gag>
Worf: <Grunt> Cute little guy!
Heinlichslepin: Yes. This is the story of one louse. And her dream
to build a cottage, a cottage that would one day be infested
entirely by various casts of off-broadway productions that had gone
wrong. This is the story of a louse. A louse named Maude.
Picard: MAUDE!?
Heinlichslepin: Yes. Maude. Actually, Maude Jr.
Riker: Maude JR.!?! You don't give females "junior"'s!!
Heinlichslepin: Sure you do! But only lice do. It's a tradition.
Troi: LICE have traditions?
Heinlichslepin: Work with me here! Anyway-
Geordi: If I may interrupt, just what does this have to do with the
experiment, my beard or getting these STUPID THINGS OUT OF IT?!
Heinlichslepin: Er....
Data: Geordi, Shut-up! I was just getting into the doctor's story!
Geordi: But what about my beard!??
Troi: Well well well, it's always "Me ME ME!" "What about *MY*
beard, Troi?!" "Why are you killing *MY* gerbil, Troi?!" "Let go
of *MY* extremities, Troi!"
(All turn towards Troi)
Troi: Err....
Heinlichslepin: Maude was a very young louse who had a dream.
Picard: ENOUGH!!! We're getting no where!
Riker: Sir, that's our usual thing.
Picard: Oh yeah, sorry to interrupt.
Heinlichslepin: Quite alright.
Data: Enough! We must do the test!
(Data lunges across the room with a "bic" lighter flashing flames
at Geordi- and lights his beard on fire!)
Geordi: AGHHH!! MUAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
(Geordi starts screaming and running around the room)
Geordi: MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY!!!! I'M ON FIREEEEEE!!!
Data: Actually, Geordi, it is just a simulation.
(Data clubs Geordi over the head with his hand)
Data: But the lice do not appear to have moved. Maybe they are not
intelligent indeed!
(A tear forms in Data's eye)
Picard: It will be alright Data....
(Geordi wakes up)
Geordi: Does this mean I can get the lice killed!?
(Suddenly one single louse drops from Geordi's beard)
The Louse: Wait! Hold that Lice Repellent!
Data: Who are you!?
The Louse: I'm Maude! Actually, Maude Jr.
Heinlichslepin: I told you! I told you! NYAH!
Geordi: What..what do you want!?
Maude: I...I have.. a dream..well actually it's more of a vision..I
want to build a cottage, a cottage that will one day be infested by-
Riker: AGH!! SHUT UP! I can't BELIEVE this is happening! What can
WE do to help you get your bloody cottage already!?
Maude: All we want is.. a world on which to build this cottage! And
wood!
Picard: This is INSANE! Who would give a WORLD to a colony of lice
so they could build a cottage for out of work actors!??
Maude: You. Or I sure hope so.
Geordi: I don't care what we have to do just get these little
beasties out of my BEARD!
Heinlichslepin: If I may, I'm not done with my presentation.
Riker: Isn't your presentation a little irrelevant now that we've
discovered that Maude really exists?
Troi: I think he's getting too absorbed in this plot.
Data: I think you are all out of your minds!
Maude: Am I getting my cottage?
Picard: What do *YOU* think?
Geordi: Are they leaving my beard?
Crusher: They'd certainly better. Because according to my
calculations, Geordi- you have only 110 lines of this parody to live!
Picard: What do we do with the lice then?
Maude: Give us a cottage!
Riker: Make you a deal, get out of his beard, and we'll talk.
Maude: Oh, alright!
(Millions of lice leap out of his beard and land on the ground)
Maude: But we'll need some hair to cultivate on.
(Geordi faints and is beamed away to Sickbay for some rehab,
Crusher leaves the room to attend to him)
Picard: Come, we'll talk about this in my ready room. Come with me
Number One, and you cute little lice.
-=-
SCENE IV
(In Sickbay, Crusher is talking to Geordi)
Crusher: I'm glad this whole ordeal is through with.
Geordi: Me too. Now I can go back to being a normal everyday
regular character with nothing interesting to do or say except wear
a hair ornament over my face like some sort of guy with a fetish
for that thing.
Crusher: Yeah. Lucky!
-=-
SCENE V
(In Picard's ready room, the lice are huddled on a chair)
Picard: You want what!?
Maude: That's right!
Riker: A personal jaccuzi?!
Picard: I'm not going to give you anything!
Maude: Oh yeah! Well we'll just go out and infest some other
crew-member's hair!
Riker: You wouldn't!
Picard: May I suggest Troi?
Riker: Too late for her.. have you seen it lately? It's infested!
(Suddenly Worf burts in to the room)
Worf: <Grunt> No one's getting at my beard!
Riker: Worf! NO!!!
(Worf fires his phaser on kill and destroys not only all the lice
but the seat as well.)
Picard: Mr. WORF! You're GROUNDED! No more raw goat blood for you!!!
Worf: <Whimper>
(Suddenly Guinan bursts into the room in much the same fashion as
Worf did!)
Riker: Guinan! You're back! Did Murray do a good job?
Guinan: I fired him! He didn't know how to make chicken soup very
well!
Picard: What do you need to know how to make chicken soup for? He's
a bartender! Or was!
Guinan: It's a tradition. All my bartenders know how to make
chicken soup.
Riker: What? For special occasions?
Guinan: Hey wait a second! There's a reason I burst in here?
Picard: What is it?
Guinan: I was here to protest that I hadn't been in the parody yet,
and hadn't been in much of anything lately.  But I guess that's
cancelled out now. Great.
Picard: And so endeth the lesson.
-=-
(Meanwhile..in a room far far away...)
Heinlichslepin: Hahah! They don't actually think they've gotten rid
of me! I've already cleverly planted this huge bomb that will kill
them all! I'll show them! I'll show them all!

               "TO BE CONTINUED"

(Suddenly Troi comes out)
Troi: Wait a second! You can't have a TO BE CONTINUED! This isn't a
two parter. And another thing..
-=-
Voiceover: And so Troi bitched and bitched and Geordi was fine.
Crusher didn't get more lines and Maude. Well .. she's dead. The
funeral will be a dual one with S-man. Bring flowers, candy and a
card. We'll see you in a month, look forward to the probable
completion and announcement of the secret project RIB Productions
is toying with then. Bye for now. And vote. Oh heck it's too late
anyways! 7 votes. 7 bloody votes...
-=-
                THE END
        NOT TO BE CONTINUED
                (PHEW)!